Counseling
by Numbuh Phenon
Summary: Marriage is only filled with bliss, kisses, and hugs? That's just silly.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Codename KND.

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"He used ta be so passionate. About his life, about his career…Me." Fanny expressed as her hands motioned to herself. The red head lowered her arms and spared a subtle glance to the couch's other occupant, only to glare when she took in his form. Patton pointedly sat at the opposite end; far away from her as possible. One leg was hiked up over the other while his arms were sharply tucked in his chest. The man had his head turned slightly. Blatantly not looking at her and boring a fine hole in the wall. The Irishwoman clenched her fists tightly and huffed as she copied his actions. "But lately, it's like I don't even exist."

Patton rolled his eyes at his wife's comment. "Oh, you _exist_ alright." He grumbled loud enough for everyone to hear. He then yelped when a hand gripped the collar of his dark green jacket and yanked to the side. Once his surprise wore off, he was introduced to the burning eyes of Fanny that he knew all too well.

"Would ya shaddup for one second, Patton!"

Across the room from the feuding couple was another woman taking all the information in with crucial detail. Sitting behind her desk was the similar red headed Lizzie DeLyle. The ex-Devine sat in her chair, hair in a tight bun, hands clasped together atop the hardwood, and violet orbs slowly blinking behind strict looking eye wear.

The three were currently located in her office, since she had the wonderful _luxury_ of being Patton and Fanny Drilovsky's marriage counselor. And what a joyous experience _that_ was turning out to be. Lord, if she didn't need to pay off that jail bond…

What? That witch was asking for it.

"Umhm." Lizzie hummed out as she let Fanny spin her tale. When the angry woman leapt up and continued to lash out her husband, the woman scribbled down a few notes. Lizzie adjusted her glasses, and looked to the two with a raised brow. "My my my, Mrs. Drilovsky. What could possibly be the source of all these suppressed frustrations?" She questioned with a professional sarcastic snip. One that took her years to master without getting noticed.

But the couple was too busy verbally assaulting each other to look into it. Patton backed away from his spouse and crossed his arms as he addressed her again. "Yes, Mrs. Drilovsky. What could _possibly_ be the source?"

Fanny growled at his smug look, but pushed it down as her hands fled to her hips. She jutted her chin upwards as she asked a heated query. "When's the last time ya kissed me, Patton?"

The decommissioned KND sergeant's eyes blinked confusedly. But the brief wave of astonishment passed as he folded his hands behind his back and smirked yet again. "How could it slip my mind?" He then leaned over towards Lizzie who had gotten up to approach them. "It was fifteen weeks last Tuesday."

"Cocky little…" Fanny seethed to herself as she violently flapped her arms about. "This is what I'm talking about!"

"Yes," Lizzie muttered indifferently as she tucked her clipboard underneath her arm. The counselor then took off her glasses and wiped them clean before speaking again. "Well, to really get to the root of these problems, I'm going to need to see a typical evening in the Drilovsky household." She donned her eye wear once again and elaborated further. "What I'm suggesting is that we do a little role-playing. Just to gather an idea of where you two stand." Without missing a beat, she walked up towards a frowning Patton and gave him his part. "Mr. Drilovsky, I would like you to pretend you are your wife in a typical, everyday evening in at your house."

Patton glared down at the smaller woman before rolling his eyes. "Oh, can I _please_?"

Lizzie smartly opted to ignore him as she went to guide Fanny to the door. "And for you, Mrs. Drilovsky, I would like you to pretend you are your husband; coming home from a normal day of work." Lizzie opened the door to her office, and peaked outside to make sure the hallways were clear. She really wanted avoid a scene today. Seeing that the walkways were empty, she stepped aside and motioned for the Irish lady to wait outside.

Fanny viewed the woman with a highly skeptic look; wondering if her sanity had been checked recently. But after sparing a glance to her husband, who had decided to retake his cushion of the couch, she huffed and played along. "I'm gonna have to use ma imagination, since I doubt he 'works' at all." She got as she waited for it to begin, her foot tapping in classic impatience.

"That's what pretending is all about, Mrs. Drilovsky." Lizzie mummered before letting out a groan. _'This is what I get for being a sentimental idiot and try and lower the divorce count.'_ She just added to the list of 'Highly Debatable Life Decisions'. Seeing as everyone was in place, she waddled over back to her desk to prepared to write notes down. As she took a seat, her sharp eyes trailed over to Patton. "Remember, Mr. Drilovsky, an average, typical evening at home," The red head then clicked her ball point pin, signaling for the start. "As your wife."

Patton's brow made a slow arch to his dark hairline. Is this what it came down to? The fate of his marriage rested on the outcome of some silly game of pretend? Un-freaking-believable. His eyes wandered to Fanny, then to the ceiling before a light bulb went off in his mind. His lips then tightened into a cheeky smirk. Well, if they wanted to play this stupid game…

…Then he might as well have some fun, right?

"Oh I'm SO exhausted!" Patton exclaimed, his voice taking a squeaky, effeminate tone. He batted his eyelashes cutely before falling back onto the couch in a exaggerated motion. "I've done _nothing _all day!"

Lizzie's brow started to tick at Patton's actions. Due to her nagging curiosity, she peeked over to Fanny in the open doorway and sighed when she saw the woman's teeth grinding together. _'Here we go.'_ The counselor mused to herself. It was all downhill from here, but she hunched over and started taking notes nonetheless.

Patton, however, decided to continue with his 'performance'.

"Oh my goodness!" Patton gasped as he snapped up. "The house is a wreck! And that STOOPID husband of mine will be home any second! Oh, whatever shall I do?" He asked out loud as he slapped his face in mock shock. He then shrugged and draped himself back over the couch lazily. "Absolutely _nothing_!"

At the doorway Fanny looked just about ready to maim some poor unsuspecting soul (which probably explained why that one man stepped back into the elevator). How dare he! He _knew_ she hated being some bland stay-at-home-housewife and he was ridiculing her for it! Her hand snapped up and gripped the doorknob with enough strength to crush it. A wicked gleam entered her wild eyes as she prepared to work her pharynx. Two could play this game.

"Fanny! I'm home!" The crimson haired woman bellowed out in a forced deep voice. Once inside, her arms moved to roughly slam the door shut. The clamor and vibrations brought forth by the action was enough to rattle Patton and Lizzie. But Fanny took it all in stride. She made a show of stomping over to Patton while trying to puff out her stomach. "I'm just not _fat_ enough! I mean, I can still fit through the front door!" When she finally stopped in front of her husband, she hiked her leg up, jerked it down and yelled inches away from his face. "So where's my dinner!"

Patton glared up at his wife, before a pout overcame his features. His eyes took on a puppy dog like quality, his lips wobbled, until at long last, he wailed and burst into fake crocodile tears. "Oh you're such a slave driving MAN!" He cried as he buried his face in his hands. He sniffled as he looked up towards her again. "Y-You know how f-frail I am! Why do h-h-have to push me so h-hard?" He jived, taking devious delight of how he portrayed her. That ought to get a rise out of her.

But it didn't, much to his surprise. Fanny glanced around the room with a calm look, ignoring him. After a few minutes, and did a double take and she blinked as if confused. "Oh I'm sorry babe, did'ja say something? I don't think I heard ya." She explained as she wiggled a finger to clean out her ear. "You know I can't hear anything with my head rammed so far up my own ass!"

Patton cutely blinked as his hands fled to his cheeks. "I don't see how you can hear at all dear, WITH MY BANSHEE LIKE VOICE CAUSING EVERYONE WITHIN A FIFTY MILE RADIUS TO GO DEAF!" He roared at the loudest volume possible.

Lizzie removed her hands form her ears once she was sure Patton was finished. She looked up to see the two moving around more. Well, at least they were actually doing what she asked this time. Although a perverse form of it. The red head could only nod her head, and continue with whatever she was jotting down.

"Hello, Rachel!" Patton gushed out as he shaped his hand into a phone. A goofy looking smile covered his lips as he bobbed his head enthusiastically. "Yeah! I can talk as long as I want, lass! It's not like _I_ pay the bill! Blah blah blah blah!"

"Ah that hit the spot!" Fanny happily sighed as she patted her belly. She then garnered a thoughtful expression as she pressed a finger to her chin in contemplation. "Hmm, should I actually do something _useful_ by cleaning up my mountains of dishes so ol' Fanny can take _one_ household chore of her list of _thousands_?" She then laughed as she waved her hand down. "Nah! Course not! I think I'll call up Wally, go get hammered, and somehow end up in the hospital so my wife can cry herself to sleep with worry. That'll be hilarious!"

"Alright, Fanny. Let's stop with all these theatrics." Patton seriously grumbled as he got back into character. The man marched up to his spouse, and suddenly grinned as he tucked his hand behind his back. "It'd be the wise thing to do. If we go any further, I'm afraid I'll be forced to tell a little secret I know about you."

Fanny relaxed an arm atop a nearby counter and she leaned into it. "Oh yeah, Patton? What?"

"Oh come now, _Fan-Fan_." Patton uttered confidently as he strutted off. He took prideful steps as he turned his back on the red head. He then glanced over his shoulder and gave off a coy look. "You really don't know?"

"Know what, Patton?" The woman reared up with a warning gaze. Her mind began to buzz with things he really could know about her, and it ticked her off.

Taking that as his que, Patton batted his lashes once again and pressed his hand to his mouth in false amazement. "Fanny Drilovsky? A _natural _redhead?"

I think I heard a pin drop outside.

Lizzie paused in her notes as she tapped her chin. "That reminds me, I need to buy some new drapes."

"GAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

Fanny screeched as she suddenly leapt into the air. Patton turned around just in time to see Fanny pounce right on him. The couple went sprawling to the floor. They became so entangled it was hard to tell where which one began and the other ended. After his wife had got a few scrapes in, Patton managed to roll away. But as soon he got up, so did Fanny. Before he could react, he was taking by storm yet again as the furious redhead clawed at his back.

"DAMN YOU!" Fanny roared as she used her fists to bat around Patton's skull. Her legs squeezed around his torso painfully and she would periodically press her heels into him to cause a greater discomfort. "YOU STOOPID INSENSITIVE FAT BASTARD!" She roared as her face became redder and her fists picked up a faster beat.

"C-Cut it out Fanny!" Patton yelled out as he tried to shake his wife off of him. His eyes then bulged as her arms snaked around his neck to choke him. "G-Give me a brea – HACK!" He coughed as he stumbled past Lizzie's desk.

"YOU'LL PAY PATTON DRILOVSKY! YOU'LL PAY!"

While her office was being reduced to ruble, Lizzie seemingly ignored all the happenings around her as she diligently scribbled down on her pad. She stopped her work as her fingers rattled against the desk. Wondering what to put down next. She glanced over the massacre, and winced when Fanny delivered a rather sharp blow. Someone wasn't expecting children in the near future. After witnessing that, she returned to her task after erasing something at the bottom of the paper.

"I'LL SHOW YOU A BREAK ALL RIGHT!"

_BAM!_

"AHHHHHHH!" Patton screamed as his body slid across the floor. The bruised man kept going until his head met the wall. He made a sharp hiss in pain as he sat up.

Patton looked to his right to see he had been thrown next to Lizzie. He was about to comment to his counselor, but had to duck as a vase flew over his head. He then reared up and blinked as he began to piece it together. "Uh oh doc, I think she might be mad at me."

"Nice detective work, Sherlock." Lizzie grumbled to herself as her hand shot up to catch a flying picture of her nieces. She then grabbed her clipboard and presented the results to Patton. "Does this look like a dog to you?" She asked in regards to her doodle. She flipped in towards herself to study it more, but was interrupted when Patton gripped her shirt. "HEY!"

"This is serious!" The frightened belted out. He then looked towards his raging wife, and paled when he saw her eying a pair of scissors on the nearby table. "What am I gonna do?"

Lizzie flicked her gaze over to Fanny. "Have you considered running?"

Patton blinked before vigorously nodding in agreement. "Yeah, yeah. Good idea!" Just when she thought he would put her down, Lizzie finally showed some emotion when the man positioned her in front of him like a makeshift shield. Before she could form a retort, Patton yelled as he charged forward; Lizzie taking to heavy books to the face before Fanny stopped.

Fanny ceased her antics when she realized all she was hurting was Lizzie. And they really didn't need another lawsuit. But even though she stopped, her husband didn't. He kept charging forth like an idiot into battle. Deciding to wait it out, Fanny crossed her arms as she waited for him to get close enough. When the dark hair man was near, the Irishwoman stuck her leg out; tripping up Patton which in turn caused Lizzie to go soaring.

As Lizzie tired to control her flight pattern, she couldn't help but notice the faint ringing of her alarm. Thank the all mighty! "I think our session is over for today! OFA!" She grunted as she landed into the bookcase; causing all forms of literature to collapse over her. "I don't get paid enough for this."

"I am so sick of this Patton!" Fanny growled as she lifted the man over her head. Once at the right height, she rammed him into the wall. As the whole foundation shook, Fanny got right in her man's face. "I can't even have a decent conversation with ye without it erupting into bloody World War III!"

"What? You think I enjoy _this_?" He managed to get out despite his fear of getting beat again. "What am I supposed to do, Fanny? I feel like I can't do anything to please you!"

"You, you, you! It's not always about you ya stupid MAN!" Fanny seethed as her nose touched his. "Have ye ever stopped ta think about how _I _feel for once?"

"I-I'm thinking about it right now." He stuttered out, fearful of her reaction at this point. He took a big gulp and prayed something would happen to get him out of this mess. "H-How do you feel, Fanny?"

"You wanna know how I _feel_?" She growled out as her eyes raged. "I feel…I feel…" Suddenly her eyes clouded over and her expression became something of predatory. "I feel _so_ turned on right now."

That…was not the reaction Patton had been anticipating. "W-Wha – MMPH!" He muffled out as Fanny shoved her lips on to his. His eyes twitched; widening to the size of saucers, only to increase in size when he felt her force her tongue into his gaping cavity. What had gotten into her? Didn't she just want to kill him? Too shocked to really respond, he just stood there and took it. Too scared to move at this point.

Digging herself out of a pile of books, Lizzie grumbled as she tired to get feeling back into her arm. _'Oh this is gonna be _fun_ to explain to my __physician.' _She grumbled as she peeled a page from her face, but once it was removed, she nearly fell back over at the sight before her. Was she seeing this right? Was Mrs. Drilovsky, who was just on a homicidal spree not even two seconds ago, making out with her stunned husband?

"She's a freaking psychopath." She mumbled absurdly to herself. Her hand felt around for her fallen glasses, and put them back on to make sure she wasn't hallucinating.

Yep. Still playing tonsil hockey.

Wow.

"Damn, I'm good." Lizzie patted herself on the back before standing up. "Okay, thank you for your time Mr. and Mrs. Drilovsky. I think we've made some headway today. I'll see you in about…one? Two? Better make it two weeks to see if you've made any progress. " She droned out as she rearranged her bookshelf. They would leave eventually, so she decided not to get involved. She wasn't on the clock anymore

But when Fanny hiked her leg up around the still shocked Patton, she had finally seen enough. "Go conceive somewhere _else_! Thank you very much!" The point got across, and Fanny leaned away smirking. She then proceeded to open the door and drag her freaked out, still frozen stiff husband out the door. One would have to wonder if she was bipolar.

"And thank God, that is over." Lizzie breathed a heavy sigh of relief as she trounced over to her desk. She plopped down into her neat spinning chair, and cleaned up all her possessions. She spared a dry look to her dog doodle, which really appeared more cat like, and threw it away with a humorless chuckle.

"And it's only ten AM." She muttered, almost dreading the reminder of her day. But after a moment she shrugged and smiled a grin for the first time in hours. "Ah cheer up Liz. You just went through the gauntlet." She then held a contented smirk as her hands folded behind her head. "I doubt anything can top that."

And as if to send the final finger,

"_Mrs. DeLyle,_" The voice of her assistant fluttered through over her speaker. "_Mr. and Mrs. Uno are scheduled to see you next._"

"…Aw dammit." She cried as she banged her head into her desk. What did _they_ want? But then she perked up when she remembered she was a marriage counselor. If so, then that meant…Lizzie smiled a devious smile as she pressed the intercom button. "Send 'em on up Stacey. We'll have a gay old time!"

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**I needed to do something funny. That, and to see if anyone can recognize anything. Heh heh.**

**Later.**


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